Have you ever had that feeling that you are alone and that no one seems to see or hear you even if they are just within an arm’s reach? How about not being appreciated at least when you have done something nice or good to them and they just simply walk away or worse, add more things for you to accomplish? It sucks and you just want to scream and walk out of the door but you can’t. Instead, you have to swallow your pride and keep on doing the same things everyday and hope that someday, people will realise that you exist and you are equally important no matter how big or small you are doing.
I am not in a very good situation at the moment. Somehow, I am feeling guilty that I have not able to make a connection with my daughter because I let her watch TV whilst I am trying to fulfill house chores during the day. But I think when she gives me her hugs and kisses, I do feel that inspite of me being a busy housekeeper/mama she still appreciates me. ( I hope.. just that she cant fully say those words yet).
My DH who has found and started a new job up north is also busy. He leaves at 5.am and arrives at 640p. He showers, eats dinner, sits in one corner of the living room, looks at his phone and then goes to bed. Same routine I guess until we find a place near his new workplace and perhaps he will have more time to talk to us , or spend quality time during the weekdays.
I guess I have no right to complain or even write this . Since I am a stay at home mum and no income to prove myself or worth. I am just a mum now. Looking after our LO, try to keep the home tidy, wash, fold, iron clothes, do some errands and spend my DH wages. So I should just be ignored and only speak when summoned. My stories about my day suddenly sounds boring, not worth a minute to listen to . Meanwhile, our handphones, new sites, fb sites and instagram sites are more interesting to read and look at.
Over the holidays. I bought a few board games for us to play. At least to give us an “away time” from our hand held gadgets. we only played once and it was fun. However, nothing followed after that. We are back to the old ways again.
Last night, I could not contain myself anymore and burst out crying. DH asked why and I told him How I feel. But then knowing how weak I am, I just told him. “Nevermind, this could only be a phase.. we will get the hang of this” . And then he slept . I held myself up high and just walked to the other room to iron his shirts and jeans and read the bible and prayed that, hopefully I will really get the hang of things.
What happened to us? Is it because we spent most of the time being in a Long Distance Relationship before we got married and now that we are together permanently we cant figure out how to be connected? On the physical aspect yes. We do fulfill that area . But that is not just how a relationship works? Am I getting boring? Or unattractive maybe?I asked him these questions before and he said I am not. ( although maybe I was just given answers I would want to hear.)
I hope that this “so called phase ” will be over soon and make our relationship work before we get fully DISCONNECTED and grow apart. I am a believer of lasting marriages and I will try my best to make it work. I just hope that I am not going to be alone on this fight.